Baby Loss & Social Situations
We women are famous for comparing ourselves to others and feeling inadequate almost all of the time, but one thing that helps us to feel like we fit in is common experiences and/or being in a similar stage of life. I don’t know about you, but I tend to flock to and feel most comfortable around women who have had or who are having experiences like mine.
When I lost my baby I quickly learned that telling others about it resulted in disbelief and/or awkwardness on most occasions. No one knows how to react to such news in front of your face, especially if you are not downtrodden or in tears when you tell them, or if little time has passed since the incident. So, I avoided bringing it up to most new acquaintances.
Soon after my loss I returned to school and church where I was surrounded by young couples having babies. In these environments, young, non-pregnant women would flock together to talk about how they didn’t want children yet, pregnant women would flock-together to compare ailments, and women with babies would flock together to talk about childbirth and motherhood. If you can imagine it, I had a very difficult time finding common ground with any of these women.
Because my experience had been so recent I really wanted and needed to talk to other women about it. (It’s just a woman thing – you understand, right?) The pregnant women were confused if I joined in conversations with them, and then shocked and uncomfortable if I explained my pregnancy tragedy with them. The mothers with babies were horrified with my loss and didn’t dare ask questions even though I was trying to be open about it. I soon stopped trying to join in to save everyone the discomfort they obviously felt.
I became easily offended when young mothers complained about being up all night with their baby, or about their child being fussy or hard to manage. It felt like a slap in the face, like they had no clue that they were blessed to be able to experience those things.
Unfortunately, I never found a peer group whom I could turn to when I needed an understanding ear or confirmation that my feelings were okay. Only time, tears, and lots of prayer pulled me out of my pit of self-pity and loneliness. Those of us who have had similar experiences need to band together and help each other out, because no one should have to suffer alone.
My hope is that this blog can be such a place where we can come together, share experiences, and support each other.
Affectionately Posted on
Affy! I just spent over an hour and read almost this whole blog! It’s incredible what you have here, at first I wasn’t sure if I was in the right place because it is so professional and informative! And even though I talked to you on the phone often enough through all of this, it still helped me understand more where you were coming from and what you went through! What a neat blog! You are amazing.
I had similar feelings in social situations, not because of loss, but because of my crazy pregnancy and the ever changing conditions. It can be so isolating, People don’t understand and always seem to say the wrong thing. Women really need other women who have been through these situations. The hardest thing after having our youngest were those people who acted like it was a tragedy that she was a preemie, asking what were her chances, and telling me they were sorry. While it was a long road ahead of us I was still so grateful for a beautiful baby doing as well as could be expected. She was still a joy to us and I wanted people to be happy for us, we did after all have a baby, regardless of the outcome she joined our family and we were happy to love and take care of her however we needed to. Not many people understand that you can still feel such things thru the fear and stress of a NICU baby.