Emotional Whirlwind of Baby Loss
Losing a baby is a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual ordeal. Emotionally, it’s like being hit by a whirlwind that leaves you exhausted and confused.
I lost my baby at 21 weeks gestation. I had been sick most of my pregnancy, had felt the baby kick only recently, and was just beginning to enjoy looking “obviously” pregnant instead of just fat. Despite my constant nausea I loved being pregnant. I loved the unknown of a baby growing inside of me, I loved finally feeling the baby’s feeble kicks, and I loved the attention and comments like “cute and pregnant”, “rosie cheeked”, and “glowing”. I had been terrified at the beginning and was finally getting excited.
When I went into preterm labor, delivered my baby, and watched him die in our arms I was mostly in disbelief. Did I really just have a baby? Is this really my son? Who is he? What happened? Why me? I was in shock and in a daze that clouded reality.
The first strong emotions that set in were actually peace, joy, and love. Family and friends surrounded us, lifted us up, and protected us from the pain. They served us in every way and gave us hope. I felt blessed among women.
When the visits and well-wishes subsided, pain, fear, sorrow, and loneliness crept in. What was wrong with my body? Could I have children? Would anyone understand my pain? Who could I talk to? I began to understand what had happened and what it might mean for my future.
When I joined the real world again at school and work I was quickly engulfed by jealousy, hurt, and feelings of inadequacy. Why could so many women around me bear children so easily? How dare a woman complain about loss of sleep because of a newborn baby? Was I less of a woman because my body could not do what it was designed for?
As time passed each emotion I felt would come and go frequently, but the intensity of such emotions gradually subsided. Eventually, I had the audacity to feel relief that my busy life was not being complicated by the presence of a baby, but guilt always overcame me on such occasions.
It’s been nearly 5 years since my son was born and I still think about him almost every day. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I hurt, and sometimes I am joyful that he’s in a better place. The loss of a child is never forgotten, and I will mourn his absence until we are united again in the next life.
Related Posts: About Me
Affectionately Posted on
