Losing A Baby & Losing Your Pregnancy
Possibly, the trial of losing your pregnancy only comes to those who lose their baby too early. I don’t know that a woman who made it to full-term would mourn the termination of her pregnancy, because I hear the last trimester can be miserable :).
In my case losing my pregnancy was horrible. Before my baby was born I was looking forward to the ultrasound to find out the sex of my baby. I was dreading the glucose test and other tests, I was interested to see how big I would get, and I was excited to have the entire experience so I could join in the community of motherhood and baby stories. I was terrified of delivery but was sure I had plenty of time to get used to the idea.
My baby was born at just 21 weeks and after his passing my body began to change. Overnight my food aversions disappeared and I could eat anything without throwing up. After a few days I had a lot more energy and I continued to lose baby weight. I got thinner and discarded my maternity clothes. I started to feel like I had never even been pregnant and like I had never had a baby.
I suppose most women look forward to these changes, but because these changes emphasized my loss I felt like my body was betraying me and I hated it. I had nothing to show for the hard work I had done. I had nothing to show for the pain I had suffered. I looked like I had never had a baby and I was treated like I had never had a baby, and that was very difficult for me. It had been the most challenging and life-altering experience I had ever had.
My pregnancy had been my only visible proof of my baby’s existence, and it was taken away. I found very little joy in my agility and physical capabilities for quite some time after my baby was born, and I would have given anything to have experienced the glucose test, the exams, the weekly appointments, and the discomfort of the third trimester.
I wonder, has anyone felt this way besides myself? I would like to know.
Affectionately Posted on
I can relate to those feelings.
In addition to my two premature deliveries, from which I have three wonderful children, I have had three miscarriages. My first miscarriage was discovered at my 20-week ultrasound. I was given the option of a D&C, and I took it. I couldn’t face the thought of going through labor and not having a baby to take home afterward.
The worst part was the week or so following my loss. My milk came in, and I didn’t have a baby to feed it to. I became engorged and that just added to the pain of my loss. I began to wonder what was wrong with me.
My second and third miscarriages were between seven and eight weeks gestation.
Even when I was able to give birth to my beautiful children, I felt robbed of the last few months of my pregnancy. People thought I was crazy when I told them that, especially with the twins. “But you were so huge and looked so uncomfortable!” they would say. I was pregnant, and I loved every minute of it!
I still don’t understand why I am not able to carry my pregnancies to term. I would love to be able to experience that last month of horrible discomfort when you can’t sleep or move. I would love to be able to give birth and take my baby home with me when I am discharged from the hospital. I am hoping with my current pregnancy to be able to do so.
Thanks for sharing, Angela! I had not thought of a miscarriage as a time when you would mourn the loss of your pregnancy, but now that you mention it it makes perfect sense. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.