Hand to Hold's Official Blog: Written by Parents for Parents

Resentment in the NICU & Finding Peace

I was standing in line at Vons, my cart full of packaged “healthy” food for my week in the NICU, when the lady in front of me turned to the side. I felt my face get hot and tears began to fall as I saw her round, swollen belly. She smiled at me and I looked down. All I could think was, that was supposed to be me. I’m supposed to be shopping for healthy food items for the last two months of my pregnancy.

Instead I was three hours from home, in a city I had never visited, living in a hospital room, hoping that my little girl would make it through the night.

Our NICU floor was on the same level as the labor and delivery unit. Late night coffee runs for me meant that I inevitably ran into a laboring mom walking the halls. I would watch her in envy, wishing desperately I could have had my chance. My early delivery came with no answers, no solutions, and felt very unresolved. As the weeks passed, and those weeks rolled into months, I saw countless moms and learned to just look down, so I wouldn’t face the pain that they were going to get to take their baby home, while I was just waiting to hear the words “discharge.” [Read more]