Hand to Hold's official blog
This question echoed in my mind. In the days after my daughter’s premature birth, I often wondered if I could call myself a mother. It sounds a little silly now, but back then it was a very real question. I was unable to do motherly things like breast feed and snuggle my newborn or even [...]
I pushed the elevator button for the 7th floor. The doors opened, we stepped off and started the familiar walk past the waiting area of balloons and flowers. We didn’t need to stop at the receptionist desk, they knew us. We stopped giving our parent code two months ago. We did not have to show our hospital bracelets. The [...]
We work so hard to keep our children healthy this time of year. I say work because it can feel like a job sometimes. We manage family and friends who want to visit, making sure they aren’t sick and haven’t been around anyone sick. Some of us go into “lock-down” through cold and flu season; [...]
When you have a traumatic event in your life, you will feel a variety of feelings. It is no different when you have a baby in the NICU. For my wife and I, we felt the entire gamut of feelings. There was fear, anger, sadness, uncertainty, with a little bit of surprise and joy sprinkled [...]
If you are familiar with the preemie world, you have most likely heard the NICU experience referred to as a roller coaster. With all the baby steps forward and the major and minor setbacks along the way, parents often feel as if they are on a hair- raising carnival ride; and much like riding on [...]
When Caitlyn passed away at twelve-days-old our world shattered. Lost, alone, angry, broken and a feeling of being hollow was all I felt. My husband and I were sharing the grieving so it was unbearable to share our sadness with each other, it was so raw and too deep. I did go to therapy, once. [...]
In my state of irrational thinking, I knew it was my fault. There was no other logical explanation. I scolded myself for doing fertility treatments. I told myself I should have accepted that I wasn’t meant to have children. I was convinced this was punishment, through the suffering of my 25-weeker triplets, for my past wrongs. Guilt and self-deprecating thoughts weighed me down like a sodden blanket. And then, tragedy struck again when one of our daughters died suddenly at just 14 months. [Read more]
One of my greatest struggles as a mother who has lost a child is how to honor my daughter’s memory in a way that seems good enough The problem is, no matter what I do, no matter what I think of, it never seems grand enough or poignant enough to properly show the depth of [...]
A friend of mine once told me: “Worrying is like paying interest on a debt you may not owe.” Which is true! It is a hard concept to put into practice as parents of babies whose lives are in jeopardy, but if we can allow ourselves to let go of the worry and the “what ifs”, even for a few hours, we create an opportunity for ourselves and our partners to focus on the day at hand. We should ask ourselves: What can we do today to be involved in our baby’s care? How can we show our baby we love him/her? What can we celebrate today? [Read more]
Motherhood is a journey, and when your child is born early, it is normal to bear emotional scars from the experience. Over the years, I’ve found tremendous comfort in reading the experiences of other preemie mothers. Just learning that I wasn’t alone and that others had similar reactions made it easier for me to heal, to grieve the birth experience I’d wished I had and to release the guilt and shame for the complicated emotions I experienced surrounding my children’s early birth. Enjoy these lessons I learned and excerpts from Preemie: Lessons in Life, Love, and Motherhood by my friend and fellow preemie mama Kasey Mathews. [Read more]
Hand to Hold is a nonprofit 501(c)3 parent support organization and information and resources provided here do not intend to take the place of the relationship between a patient and personal physician.