Hand to Hold's Official Blog: Written by Parents for Parents

“Time and New Friendships”

I received an insightful comment on yesterday’s post that asked me to expand on how “time and new friendships helped me to accept my limitations and find peace in what I could do” after delivering two preemies and feeling inadequate as a woman.

First of all, time is necessary to heal wounds of loss.  As your memory dims and your emotions smooth out you are able to focus your energy on other things and you allow yourself to be distracted from the pain.  You rise higher and higher out of the grey clouds and are able to see the bigger picture and the possibilities in your future.  Relying on time to heal your wounds requires patience and endurance, and by simply surviving you become more emotionally hardy.  That, my friends, is how time “helped me to accept my limitations and find peace.”

In my opinion, friendships played the greater role in my healing process.  No, I did not find any friends who had experienced difficulties just like mine, but I met many wonderful people who had faced challenges that I was certain I could never endure.  My eyes were opened to the fact that everyone experiences hardships and heartaches, and individual strengths and weaknesses determine how you are affected by them.  A person’s attitude is key in how quickly and how high they will rise after they fall.

Spending time with new friends and watching  how they faced their struggles with positive attitudes instead of wallowing in despair or constantly complaining about their difficult and unfair life, gave me the courage and the desire to stop wallowing in self-pity.  I wanted to be strong and I wanted my experience to enhance my life instead of drown it.  I decided to always express joy for the successful pregnancies and deliveries of my girlfriends, and to congratulate them for their good health and blessings.  What else could I do?  The choice was mine to face life with a negative attitude or a positive one.  I certainly didn’t want to live a life of bitterness and jealousy when it was in my power to live one of joy and thanksgiving.

I learned to accept that childbearing would be a struggle in my life, but I found peace in the possibility of adoption and in the fact that I had already been blessed with two wonderful children of my own.

Kris, thank you for asking me to expound on the subject.  I hope my response is helpful to you and to all of my readers.

To the rest of you, do you have any thoughts or ideas on the subject?  Please comment below.

Return to The Loss of a “Normal” Delivery

Afton Mower About Afton Mower

After Mower (UT) lost her firstborn son at 21 weeks.  Her daughter was born a year and a half later at 27 weeks.  The NICU was overwhelming and isolating and it was through those two experiences she was led to found this social hub for parents to find the support they needed. Afton also gave birth to another daughter, born two days overdue after four months of strict bedrest. She believes it is a tender experience to hold a special baby in your arms when his spirit returns to his heavenly home, a miracle to watch tiny babies survive the risks of prematurity and a blessing to hold a healthy full-term baby after months of difficulty and sacrifices.


  1. I agree that family and friends play a huge role in the healing process. This was an excellent post, thanks!

  2. Thanks for sharing, Afton.

    I remember struggling for two years after my miscarriages. I hate to admit that I was one of the wallowers. I admire you for your strength in choosing to be positive about your extremely difficult experiences.

    Now that time has past and I am able to enjoy my three (almost four) children, I am able to share my experiences with others and hopefully help them through some of their pain related to loss. I still wonder why my body is not able to have a “normal” pregnancy, but I do try to be grateful that I am able to have children at all. There are so many couples who just cannot have biological children of their own.

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